"Corporate" TOP quotes

John. Jake, question: why do you think it’s okay to come in to work with your shirt untucked?

Jake. Because life is meaningless and nothing we do matters.

John. Okay, great. Thanks, guys.
I want to have a hot body because I’m tired of developing my personality.
I don’t know if you’re interested, but I keep track of all the cakes in the building.
How can you think about other people at a time like this?
Applying to law school in your late 20s is a major sign of depression.
Matt. What are you gonna do?

Jake. I don’t know. Working here was my Plan B. And now I’m getting fired, so I guess it’s time for Plan C.

Matt. Suicide?

Jake. Yes, you already knew. That’s why we’re friends.
Give us a chance to prove we can be your tools!
Richard. Just stay back! I’m gonna kill myself.

Jake. Richard, we all want to kill ourselves.
Telling you to do it is doing it. You guys should be excited: we want to use you as our tools in this situation.
Matt. When I first met my brother‑in‑law, he thought my name was Mark and I never corrected him. And now I don’t go to Thanksgiving anymore.
This is the first time in 5 years I’ve been given any kind of power, and I’m going to abuse it for all it’s worth.
I want to tell you a story. It’s about a shepherd. One day he lost his entire flock; I mean every single sheep took off except one. So there he is, out in the middle of this open field with just one sheep, and what do you think he did? He pulled out a gun, and he blew its brains out. Then, he went out and got himself a real job.
Christian. Have we finished building the hurricane machine yet?

Kate. Sir, I believe I speak for everyone, ... Bruce?, when I say I thought you were joking when you asked us to do that.

Christian. I would never joke about hurricanes. That’s what got us into this.

I majored in English and that should be illegal.
Christian is approaching at a tremendous velocity.
Oh, it’s a war. What a relief !
10 a.m. Monday morning and there’s already a war. I was really hoping to ease‑in to this week.
Matt. Do you think we’ll be racist when we’re 50?

Jake. Of course.
For 15 years I’ve had to watch the Middle East be destabilized by another man’s bombs.
Matt. You’re damaging my self‑esteem!

Jake. Good.
I listed it as a special skill on my resume. Right next to Microsoft Word and clarinet.
I spent so much time at this company trying to build myself up, when all along, I should have just been tearing other people down.
Your decision to use bullets as bullet‑points ... genius.
And ... starwipe! The end.
I think the fonts are fine ... my big note is that this is a war crime.
Oh, sorry. I was thinking about fonts again.
By 11 a.m. everyone’s at work, bored, surfing the internet, looking for something to be outraged about.
There are so many things I never got to say to you. But they’re pretty mean, so.
Countries who thought they couldn’t afford to go to war saw our PowerPoint, and now they realize they can!
Here’s my impression of a “lost” person : “I’m actually really good at PowerPoint.”

Matt. I’m so tired—I wish I could be asleep all the time.

Jake. You just described death.

Matt. Hmm, yeah I guess I wanna be dead.

Jake. I can’t wait to die. It sounds so relaxing.
Grace’s presentation on Hampton DeVille employees:
- The average employee is half‑man, half‑woman. They have one testicle, one breast, and half a vagina.
- The average Hampton DeVille employee strongly agrees with this phrase: “If I see a pill, I eat a pill.”
- They smoke 275 cigarettes annually, 97 marijuana cigarettes, and due to some statistical outliers, the average employee does heroin.
- The average employee has 7.8 suicidal thoughts per day, 18 panic attacks per year, and wonders once an hour, every hour, why this is happening to them.
Jake. I’d never do heroin. Unless I was dying. Or someone just offered it to me.

Matt. I don’t have a 401(k) as of now; my retirement plan is to overdose on drugs.

Jake. Smart.
Coffee is a scam. Be an adult. Take an Adderall.
John. Oh no, finding a dead body is one of my top 25 fears.
I kinda thought you hated me because you said that to my face so many times.
Corporate death reports to be digitized:
- Bashed to death with steel bar
- Accidentally drank a lot of poison
- Accidentally drank Danielle’s poison
- Fell down empty elevator shaft
- Murdered for poor productivity
- Beaten to death with phone
- Crushed by vending machine
- Bled to death in conference room
- Forgot to drink water
- Overdosed on amphetamines
- Chair broke (died from it)
- Car accident in parking garage
- Stapler accident
- Heart attack doing data entry
You don’t need sleep when you can trick your body into thinking you’re constantly in a life‑threatening situation.

I think brewing your own beer is a sign of a lost person.
Idiots love food trucks.
We’re buying overrated overpriced food in a truck. How are you?
He reminds me of every guy I dated before I had self‑esteem.
Your entire personality is stolen from a think piece.
Grace. No problem, but also I don’t really have a choice. You keep showing up wherever I am and talking to me about how you’re mad.

Jake. Yeah, I feel like our friendship is really blossoming too.
Most people are so boring that if you just put on a mask or do anything slightly weird, they think you’re a genius.
This is technically art, if you want to use a really broad definition of what art is.
This is technically art. Most people would never call this art in a million years but if you really wanna ... you know ... it’s hard to argue that this is not art. Is it supposed to look bad?

If you’re over 30 and don’t have a spreadsheet of everyone you’ve ever met, you’re behind in life.
If your final thoughts weren’t of Hampton DeVille, then you’ve got a lot of work to do this weekend.
If you pretended to be brainwashed, they can’t brainwash you.
I’m not really in a networking mood. The whole company thinks I’m toilet giraffe.
It’s just something we do to survive. Like lying to your therapist.
The first step to being a fully confident human being is to be truly ashamed of yourself.
Jeff. Let’s pretend this is a safe space.
Look, I’m just going to say this. I’m a cutter, and that works for me.
Jeff. Good, but ruin her day, not her life.
Someday you’ll connect with someone. Or maybe you won’t. Some people never do.
Gretchen. Guilt is just insecurity leaving the body.
Matt. Also, this isn’t a baptism—this is waterboarding.

Jeff. Great share, Matt.
John. That’s what I was going to say too.

Jake. As much as I enjoy seeing others fail, I’m going to take pity on you and give you my jacket.

Grace. Now he looks like he’s in a ska band.
John. ...We implemented Casual Friday, where employees can wear jeans to work once a month.

Christian. Well that was a catastrophic mistake.
This meeting was not easy to get. I had to buy 3 of George W. Bush’s dog paintings to get him to vouch for me.
When I told [my congregation] to burn Harry Potter, sales of the book went up 40%. J. K. Rowling still owes me for that.
Christian. John, put your glasses back on. You look like a prepubescent Voldemort.
Matt. What made you stop believing in God?

Jake. YouTube comments.
Maybe body shaming is underrated.
I know that since I’m a man, telling you what is or isn’t sexist, is sexist. But, you can’t take off your shirt. Because you’re a woman.
They’re just desperately grasping for any sort of identity, and I relate to that.
All I did was find a loophole. It’s not my fault everyone followed me through it.
Christian, praying: Thank you for your guidance in our negotiation over brand integration. You are the shepherd, the sheep, and the wolf, and we are Little Red Riding Hoods.

John. Forgive me heavenly Father, for not praying to you for 15 years while I got my career on track.

Kate. Make me a drone, so I can fly far, far away from here.

Matt. I feel like I’m wasting my life in meetings like this.

Jake. That’s absolutely what’s happening. But if it makes you feel any better, there’s no way not to waste your life. The best you can do is find something you love and work so hard and so long at it that it becomes something you mostly complain about.
John. All I know is, I’m scared, and I need to pee. But the nervous energy from holding it in is what’s fueling me right now.
Bill. Hey, you, the one without the hair, come on let’s get this thing rolling.

John. He knows my name?!
John. Any other ideas?

Jake. We’re going into a brainstorm hole. I can literally say anything right now. Racism!
I hope my grandma died doing what she loved best: sitting in her chair, worrying that I’m gay.
Bill. This reminds me of a time I was a child and my mother said, “You’ll never amount to anything,” and I felt hurt. Till I realized she was talking to my father. And there he stood with his party dress on ...
Bill. Kate, I’ve got to stop you right there because my voice is deeper, and louder than yours. So here we go ... so then I said to him, son, your mother and I are getting a divorce, and it’s your fault. Apologize to us. And to his credit, he did.
Matt. I think I’m having an anxiety attack.

Jake. Try taking a deep breath.

Matt. I still feel the same.

Jake. Oh. Well, I guess that’s just what your life is now.
Whiteboard brainstorming ideas:
- Call off meeting
- Racism
- This is a nightmare
- Cross pollination
- Hitler
- Synerjustification
- Bidirectional accuracy
- Whole milk
- Cloud penetration
- Ice water bees
- Dog hunters
- Experience hole
- Underwater drones
- Edible car seats
- Racism
- Jake is a cylon
- Religious selfie stations
- Coital association
- Hoax werewolf video/silver bullet co.
- Millennial malaise
- Stagflation
- I know words
- Hot garbage man
- Eggs, trashbags, toilet paper
- Freedom is slavery
Why don’t we do what we do best? Suppress our emotions and pretend this never happened.
All I want to do in life is lose my mind on a drug I don’t understand and justify it as a spiritual awakening.

Society Tomorrow Character 1. The system is broken, and I’ve always felt like an outsider looking in .... I’ve always felt special.

Char 2. You’re the most special person in the universe.

Char 1. I’m ready to accept how special I am.
Matt. I love cinnamontography.
Jake. We’re trying to talk about a popular TV show. Have some respect.
Grace. You wanna just talk about the most recent mass shooting?

Jake. I would love to.

Grace. I always like when there’s more than one mass shooter because when they caught one, one is still at large, and people are paralyzed with fear ...
Tech Support. I’m sorry, sir, but there’s a lot of personal information on your StrapIn. Home address, complete map of your human genome.
Society Tomorrow. There is a storm coming, and when it comes, none of us will be safe.
Basic ineptitude and people trying their best is what leads to the daily horror humans deal with.
I’m probably going to log into my ex‑girlfriend’s account, binge‑watch Society Tomorrow, and give up my attempts to be a unique individual.

If you’re lucky enough and work hard you could afford a pre‑9/11‑style condo.
Matt. Nothing feels as good as an empty inbox.

Jake. Really? Have you ever had sex? Because emptying your email inbox actually does feel better than that.
I’m going to lie in bed depressed all weekend. I’ve been looking forward to it all week. And I got Pebbles a new cardboard box.
I’m an eternal maybe.
Let’s get this over with. I’d rather talk to someone about the meaning of their tattoo than do this now.
Sonnet. She ordered me through Summen. It’s an online companion service for executive ladies who just want to ...

Kate. Sonnet! No! Shsh! We met at church.
Matt. We need to leave. How are we still here?

Jake. Because both of us have an underlying cowardice that guides every decision of our lives.
Waiter. Great news pardners! You just consumed more than 3000 calories!

Jake. Why would you tell us that?

Waiter. FDA settlement.
Well, I get to work at 9. From 9 to 11 I answer emails. And then I go to a meeting and talk about emails. Then I have lunch, where I typically eat at my desk and answer emails. I mean ... there’s all different types of emails and I put them in different boxes to organize them.
John. Since we’re getting to know each other a bit out of the office, here’s a little personal tidbit about me. My second week at Yale, my roommate hanged himself with my bedsheets, and to this day, I do not sleep in a bed.

Grace. That’s quite a tidbit.
Kate. You know what I love about dancing? It makes you feel like you’re experiencing something, even though it’s totally pointless.
Sundays are worthless. You spend the entire day dreading Monday.

#never4get
Gift cards are the perfect way to show someone you don’t care about that you really care about them.
Holidays are good. They’re your one chance to make up for being a huge disappointment the rest of the year.
We have a moral duty as a company to monetize this tragedy. Because if we don’t, the terrorists win.
Hallmark invented Valentine’s Day, Walmart invented the 4th of July, and Arbor Day, as we all know, was invented by Carl’s Junior.
Grace. Matt! Chill out! This is an office holiday party for a bunch of bosses and employees who make fun of you in email threads behind your back.

Matt. My coworkers are my family. I know that because they constantly mistreat me and I desperately need their approval.
I’m your Shamu. You’re my SeaWorld. Let’s just pretend Blackfish never happened.
What’s wrong? Besides everything that’s happening around us.
I want you to know that there is nothing you can do to make this right, and you will go to your grave a swan murderer.
Christian. What’s your name again?

Jake. Jake.

Christian. Cake. You want to sit at the big table, don’t you, Cake?
I don’t think Santa’s happy. I mean, maybe he started out happy. He wanted to bring joy to the world so he created Christmas. But after he went down enough chimneys, he found out that not everyone likes Christmas. Some people are Jewish, or Democrats, or they think Christmas shouldn’t be about gifts. So now Santa lives all alone at the North Pole, surrounded by elves and reindeer he underpays and doesn’t trust. He can’t tell anymore if Christmas is good or bad. Trust me, Santa Claus isn’t happy. You’re better off being a dirty fucking elf.
I kind of realized I’d rather be miserable at my job and be able to afford a one‑bedroom apartment than follow my dreams and live in a studio apartment.

It’s just a proximity crush.
You can call a rose whatever the fuck you want. That’s what I learned from Romeo and Julia.
Only shitty guys make bets about women.
John, I had to lie to the FCC all by myself.
I have a proximity crush. His name is Jerry Sluntz. He sits right outside my office and he’s disgusting. At first, he’s hard to look at. But eventually, you can’t look away.
The best you can do is arbitrarily choose a partner you share a few interests with and hope their dormant personality flaws can be medicated.
How do I put this harshly?
John, your fucking wife is on line 1.

You don’t understand. Nothing is what I’m doing. I literally have nothing on my calendar every night this week and it’s the only thing getting me through the day. Now drive me home to my cat daughter.
You wanna play games? I’ll play games. You vastly overestimated my will to live. I’ll grab that wheel, and kill us both easy. The cops are gonna find our cold dead bodies in a ditch somewhere, Matt. Think about how sad your parents will be ... goddammit, you used to fear me more.
You should never meet people from your friends’ past. They’re like a time capsule of bad personality traits.
Matt. You need to lighten up. When you get to the end of your life, you’re going to look back and wish that you had had more fun.

Jake. At the end of my life, I’ll be dead.
Jake. They’re young and dumb so they still think this is what fun is. They have no idea they’re actually having a terrible time. It’s honestly tragic.
I stopped using credit cards cause of banks.
If you mix peyote and mimosas it gives you sonar like a bat, or a dolphin.
Matt. If I stay there long enough, I’ll rise up in the company and take it down from the inside.

Jake. Yeah, Matt’s right on the verge of becoming a domestic terrorist.
Matt, listening to Honeyscratch: It’s definitely cool. Sonically rich. Now I get what Pitchfork was saying when they said that about them.
Matt. You both sound depressed.

Grace. Yeah, we’re adults.

Jake. Living life to the fullest is a con. It’s like having a second job you waste all of the money from your first job on.

Grace. Do you remember the joy you first felt the moment you decided to stop living life to the fullest?

Jake. Best moment of my life. October 17, 2010. I was at some art opening, surrounded by liberal fascists. I had no clue what the performance piece meant. All I knew was that it sucked. And then it hit me. I could just give up, go home, and be free. And I never looked back.

If women liked the way they looked, the entire American economy would collapse.
You should really watch your tone. You have a sharp, cutting tone that marginalizes and diminishes people. Do you hear your tone right now? It’s combative; it’s aggressive. If I didn’t know you, I’d feel physically unsafe right now.
Ideas for new products:
- Nicotine gummy vitamins
- Nicotine toothpaste
- Nicotine soda
- Nicotine oxycodone
- Nicotine nicotine
- Nicotine cheesecake
- Nicotine coffee
- SUPER nicotine???
- Nicotine condoms
Who here has ever felt silenced or diminished by Kate’s harsh, knifey tone?
The temperature in offices is set to accommodate men in suits who get to keep the hair on their bodies.
Acceptable Female Tones for the Workplace:
- Horny Toddler
- Shy Ghost
- Start and end every sentence with an apology
- Dying ballerina
- Anthropomorphized sparrow
We all know brushing your teeth is a healthy habit. My idea asks, what if it were an uncontrollable addiction? Introducing nicotine toothpaste. We’ll have people brushing twenty times a day.

My exclamation-point key broke. That feels like a metaphor.
Matt. Ever since my exclamation point broke, I realize how much I overuse it in emails. I used to add it to every sentence.
Matt. Listen to this email and tell me if it sounds okay without exclamation points: “I’ve attached the docs you’ve asked for. I sent them last week. I guess they got lost in your inbox. Anyway, let me know if you need help with anything else. Thanks.”

Jake. You just used periods? Should be fine.
Kate. Did you get Matt’s email?

John. This is an attack.

Kate. It’s assault and battery ... and did it also seem ... and I know it sounds a little crazy ...

John. Racist? Yeah. 1000%. There’s a racist in our midst.
Don’t you get soft on me now. Society is crumbling because we give people like Lloyd a pass and allow mediocrity to flourish. Not firing him means more superhero movies, more sitcoms about struggling comedians, and more people who don’t decide what they’re going to order until they get to the cashier.
This bleeding wound is definitely something we can work with.
Initially we tried putting the dolls in turtlenecks. Now unfortunately, testing showed that that just made the dolls seem insecure and that just shot horniness levels through the roof.

It’s an orgy of meaningless handshakes and empty promises tinged with lies and desperation.
I can’t handle anything spicy, or raw, or authentic.
To me it’s not a real kiss unless it’s a France kiss.
How dare you kiss anyone but me? I hired a butler, not a whore.
I shouldn’t be shooting guns at butlers just because my coworkers are.
This was not her first dead butler.
Where did you even get a $50 bill anymore? Did you go inside a bank?

Kate. Don’t worry. Data on its own is just a harmless object. Like a sharp rock.

John. Or a gun.
Jake. The point is, we’re going to be watching you at all times, so think of us as God.

Matt. But remember, God loves you so much, and he’s still a cool guy you can get a beer with after work.

Jake. Wrong. God is bad and vengeful and doesn’t exist.
I need people to love me. I’m not like Michael Develli.
Jake. Why is everyone doing this?

Baron. Well, at first I think they just liked making fun of you. Now I think they come more for a sense of community. And the ass memes.
Jake. Maybe we could start a petition and present it to Kate and John and get them to stop using the desk sensors. Then everyone would stop talking about my swimsuit area.

Matt. No, Jake, Macchiato was right. We have to make these people fear us.
Matt. Jake, you’re not going to catch this piss detective with honey.

Jake. I really did not mean to coin the term “piss detective.”
Matt, we’ve received an anonymous tip from Baron that you’ve been spying on peoples’ computer screens. And claiming that you’re a vengeful god?

Jake. I can’t fucking believe we have to fucking work on fucking Labor Day.

Matt. It’s like everyone died. Except worse, because they didn’t.
Jake. I can’t believe Kate and John gave us an assignment due the day after Labor Day. This is corporate fascism and we are big-time victims.

Matt. In fairness, they did give us the assignment two months ago.

Jake. Oh I’m sorry, what were we supposed to do? Evenly spread out the work over the course of a few weeks?

Matt. You’re right—that’s crazy. We are big-time victims.
Most of the time I’m barely paying attention to what I’m doing. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m at work till I’m leaving for the day.
Your life would be a Greek tragedy if it weren’t so boring.
Any good public speaker will tell you that the hands are the mouth of the torso.
From John’s Jream Journal: I had the dream again. Christian told me I had good taste in music. The feeling was unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced. The next thing I knew I was flying, soaring in fact, sitting on Christian’s shoulders. And I had no idea where I left my bikini top.
Christian, talking on the phone: Working from home wasn’t really an option: too many distractions. I never should have bought that rock tumbler. I don’t know why I agreed to give this speech in the first place. The last thing I fucking need is another fucking honorary degree from fucking Harvard ... Alright, talk soon Eminem.
I’m Christian DeVille and I was rejected by Harvard. But that didn’t stop me from becoming a self-important asshole.
There’s an intruder in the building ... and they’re still at large. Come with me.
John’s Jream Journal. Last night I had my favorite dream again. I was a lioness, licking Christian’s head. It tasted even better than the last time.
Matt. John, I don’t know how to explain this to you, but Christian has been stalking the hallways of Hampton DeVille with a sword, looking for an intruder eating popcorn. And right now, you fit the description. You need to get out of here or he’s going to kill you.

John. I had a dream about this.

Today is not about me. Share my post if you agree.
By now we’ve all heard the news about the tragedy in our nation this morning. Obviously what happened is unspeakable. I don’t see how we could possibly go ahead with our scheduled meeting about this year’s company pullovers. But we absolutely must.
Felicity, if you need to take a moment, that’s fine. Just turn around in your chair. So we don’t see you.
Listen, I know this is tough. But it’s time consuming to feel this bad. But we can’t afford that. Not on fleece day.
Grace, too weepy. Turn around.
Matt. Well, you’re just being contrarian to get attention.

Jake. That’s not fair. I’m also doing it to hurt people.
They killed my cake, Matt.
Matt. It’s just a cake, Grace. Try to keep things in perspective.

Grace. I packed a light lunch today, Matt. Do you get that?
Trinity, it’s starting to feel like you’re the ringleader here. Right? Like you’ve infected this room with your sadness. Like it’s a pandemic and you’re patient zero. Do the right thing, and turn your ass around.
Karen. Well for starters, we’re going to have an up-to-date victim counter on screen at all times. And also, a countdown clock.

Christian. What’s it counting down to?

Karen. Nothing.

Christian. Perfect. And let’s add a count up clock as well.
Kate. Also, I am setting up an interview with a conspiracy theorist who claims the tragedy never happened.

Christian. Smart. People need someone to be mad at today.
What we need is to dismantle the status quo by tweeting at our senators.
Jessica. Paige, you make me so proud to be on social media.

Paige. I know.
I do not steal, I curate. And in times of tragedy, people turn to curators like me.
Why is their victim counter higher than ours? We should always have the highest victim counter!
Did you ever think about how it might be a little problematic to have your birthday on today?
He can wear whatever he wants. As long as it's covered in blood.
We’re heroes!

The beauty is indescribable, but here’s what it looks like.
It’s economically decimated, but culturally it’s bursting with riches. I bought a magnet with my name on it.
Matt. I’m sure of two things. I will die of a stroke in a condo, and I will not miss you this week.
Grace. I am depressed. I used up all my vacation days going to my friends’ weddings and funerals and now whenever I try to take unpaid vacation, there’s some new office molester I have to deal with.

Jake. Oh yeah, Trent ... and then Billy ...
We were made to live in forests. Like Adam and Steve. Or the Unabomber.

The office coffee tastes like a human rights violation.
At this point in life, your habits are your habits. Your life is on autopilot and years are just passing by without you even realizing it. When you were a little boy, there was this great mystery about who you’d become someday. That mystery is now solved, and the twist is, you work at a job you hate, you don’t floss and you never will, and worst of all, you don’t even think critically about media.
Fear is the steady hand that unhooks the bra of capitalism.
Matt, don’t reexamine your life.
Starting your own record label is the single most cliché dream you could ever have.
I’m already living my dream which is to buy these fancy scones from this bougie bakery by my house.
Well I don’t really love you. You seek my love and I deny you my love. How are you just now figuring this out?
Grace’s fuck-it list:
- Something tall
- Something short
- Some form of virgin
- A male escort
- Something old
- Something bold
- Something young
- Something hung
- Something from Buffalo
- Mark Ruffalo
I know there’s been some speculation that the fall campaign has led to an “unstable” economic bubble that could burst. However, thankfully, I’ve been assured by our economist that this is a new kind of bubble that cannot burst.

Hampton DeView content:
- DeVille Kids presents Puppybabies: S12, E5: Wet Noses, Damp Diapers
- Betty Lou and Her Big Blue Wazoo: S4, E17: Where’s Waldorf?
- Turnip and Friends: S9, E4: Age of Asparagus
- The Pufflewumps, S7, E12: The Do’s and Don’ts of Ups & Downs
- Star Base Diversity: S1 E6: There’s a Bigot in the Airlock
Pickles for Breakfast:
- Yes mommy—I want pickles every day.
- Do you love pickles?
- Yes mommy. I love pickles in every way.
- Look out for the Bad Bird, for it will steal your pickle.
- Yes mommy, if the bird steals the pickle: I’ll kill it with a sickle!
Someone here is the most special person in the universe. And if someone here doesn’t tell me who it is, I’ll have to kill you all.
Christian. I think we can all agree that last night’s finale was a complete and utter trainwreck ... And that’s why this morning, I made a few calls, pulled a few strings, massaged a few backs, and may have found a way for Hampton Deville to buy the rights to Society Tomorrow ... which means we could remake the finale and this time do it right.

To be honest, it is not a good deal. They’re asking for 2.3 billion dollars, which means we’d need to make some major sacrifices. No more free food for employees. We’d have to downgrade everyone’s health insurance to well ... no health insurance. We’re talking about massive layoffs, at least 30% across the board, and no severance for anyone either. So, with all of that in mind, what do we think?

Kate and John: Please Christian, take the deal!
Last night my parents called me for the first time since 9/11 to pitch me a storyline for the new finale. It had unsettling racist overtones, but it was nice to hear their voices.
Jake. Excuse me—what the hell happened here?

Donovan. Oh, they laid off everyone at Hampton DeView except for me because I’m only the one that really matters.

Jake. What do you do?

Donovan. I design thumbnails. It’s the most important art form of the 21st century. A good thumbnail draws the viewer like a siren ... honestly I consider it an advanced form of mass hypnosis.
Entertainment shouldn’t be made by a machine. And neither should music. It should be made by musicians on drugs. You have to put a stop to this. My niece is eating 20 pickles a day.
Matt. I’m watching Jew Pope. Kind of a dumb premise but it’s okay.

Christian. I’ve heard it’s one of the better pope shows.

Black Dog. I’m here to tell you that life is fundamentally bad. And I’ll be with you the rest of your life .... Oh, I almost forgot ... you have insomnia now.
Kate. Our goal is to redirect gamers’ hatred away from us and back toward women.

John. Just as god intended.
Matt. You realize you joke about suicide like 10 times a day?

Jake. Wrong. I joke about suicide 6 times a day. The other 4 are sincere threats.
Jake. I don’t want my personality lobotomized by some stupid pill.

Grace. You don’t even like your personality. You hate yourself more than anyone.
A trapezoid? You think you invented the trapezoid, Sheri?
Kate. If you’re saying that Jake might be clinically…

John. ... down in the dumps.

Kate. And is in any way thinking of committing ...

John. ... a darn shame.

Kate. As his immediate supervisors we take that very seriously as a legal liability.
Kate. What happened out there could be seen as an attempted “whoopsie-daisy” on company premises. And if someone reported it ... it could be Ashley all over again.

John. Or Marcus and Mario.

Kate. They really did everything together.

John. Except seek help.
Although when I’m alone, I just start thinking about where all the trash goes ... all those pudding cups ...
Black Dog. Wait! You don’t really want to go for a run. You’re lazy. And weak. But it’s okay. I understand. I know you better than you know yourself. I’ve been watching over you since you were a kid. In fact, I’ve been in your family for centuries, watching over generation after generation of depressed Levinsons. You won’t leave. You can’t leave. Because you belong here, with me, Sports Boy.

Jake. Wow, you really suck at giving speeches.
Matt. The meds seem to be working.

Jake. I do feel a little better. I still think everything is terrible and life is pointless, but it’s just not that big of a deal anymore. So, thanks.

Jake. God, this coffee sucks.

Matt. It’s next level terrible.

Jake. If I had a time machine, I’d go back and kill Hitler, but only because I’m convinced Hitler is still alive and his job is brewing coffee at this office.
I fantasized about my death during Peggy’s presentation again. This time I drove off a cliff. We were both in the car though, so at least I took her down with me.
I just don’t feel safe in the office of a man who decorates using action figures.
Belinda will not stop emailing me OK Go videos.
His big business idea was thick milk. I was like bitch, that’s yogurt.
I was like Jane, sneezes are performative. If you really want attention that bad, Munchausen your daughter.
As the neighbor who raised me from ages 7 to 9 used to say, if you don’t have anything nice to say, say it to your priest.
Kate. Sometimes, he can be a little .... much.

Grace. Yeah, sometimes, I wonder if he can be a little ... too ... much?
Kate. It’s like he’s a robot programmed to drive me crazy.

Grace. Robot technology isn’t advanced enough to create something as annoying as John.
Matt. I wish there was something between being passive and aggressive.

John. I was just thinking that.

Posted poem:

The coffee here is wretched and foul

The maker of the coffee should throw in the towel

Let someone else make our brew

So we don’t feel like we’re going to spew

Chunks

Grace. It’s not going to make the coffee better, but at least you’re hurting someone’s feelings.

Matt. Well, that’s a win too.

Clapback poem:

The wr ı ters of the note

have sh ı t for bra ı ns

They act l ı ke they’re tough

but they have no game

They wouldn’t know what

to do w ı th good coffee

if ı t b ı t them ı n the ass.

Matt. Tammy may trade in AABCD rhyme schemes, but we’re better than that.
Grace. Did you hear that Matt started calling himself a calligraphist?

Kate. He’s a messy Renfair bitch and he knows it.

Would you say it’s 5 out of 5 stars? I consider anything less a failure.
If someone calls you shy, it just means they don’t know anything about you. It’s like when someone gives you a candle as a gift.
Here lies Grace, who was shy. No, no ... that’s too much for me. Mine will be an unmarked grave.
Jupiter. Oh, we received your survey. Your feedback was very helpful. I’m calling to let you know that we’ve dealt with the situation.

Jake. Oh—what does that mean?

Jupiter. Customer satisfaction is our #1 priority. Debby Deberson will never sell another Sungem. Ever, again.
Debby’s not dead. You’re just being paranoid.
Jake. Aren’t there usually just two agents?

Agent Roman. That’s actually a very hurtful stereotype.

Agent #2. You may not realize it, but what you just said is racist.
Jake. She kept harassing me to take some stupid survey, I gave her 4 out of 5, and then she left.

Agent #3. Jesus Christ, you must have really hated this lady.

Agent #4. What did she do to you?

Jake. 4 out of 5 is a solid B minus.

Agent Roman. It’s my understanding that anything less than a 5 may as well be a 1.
Matt. You know him pretty well right?

Kate. Well, we’ve worked side by side for 19 years, so no. I’ve done everything in my power to avoid getting to know John.
You did a good job making that basket. You’re a good boy. You’re a great boss. And you know what else John? I love you. I love you, buddy, and I’m so proud of you.

Now, he and I could never see eye to eye. Hampton is 5'2" and blind ... Suffice it to say, he and I got into a petty disagreement over a measly one million dollars. Now Hampton was raised poor, so he is always counting nickels and cents like some Dickensian penny-pincher.
Christian. The point is, don’t fuck this up.

Jake. Okay, but what happens if we do?
Jake. I got a lotto scratcher as well.

Matt. Well, there goes two dollars you’ll never get back.

Jake. Wait, what? It’s never coming back? Oh no! My two dollars!

Matt. Well, if you don’t start thinking about these things now, you won’t have any money for retirement.

Jake. How will I be able to retire now—I’m so worried. I’ll have to work till long after I’m dead.
Jake. The whole point of hotels is to make other people do stuff for you. It’s like being a kid before you realize your parents are human beings and you’re destroying their lives.
Matt. Wait, I thought the room was paid for.

Clerk. Yes, the card covers you in case of incidentals. For example, you might incidentally enjoy some of our hotel’s top-shelf pornography. Or you might incidentally destroy one of our fine toilets.

Jake. We’re on vacation—maybe we’ll do both.
Another enthralling sob story from Matt’s tragically banal childhood. Listen, your twenty bucks is gone. But I’m going to teach you how to enjoy the simple pleasures of a hotel. Go take an extra-long shower. By the time you’re done, I’ll have this room down to a refreshing 63 degrees.
I know I just met you, but I’m embarrassed to know you.
Peripheral objects ... when it’s there you never notice it. But the absence of it leaves a psychological chasm, almost impossible to recover from.
Who’d have thought that entering a stranger’s hotel room would go so wrong?
The first thing you need to do is to figure out who you truly are as a person. Then you’re ready to buy some trunks.
Jake. There’s nothing really wrong with it other than the overall design and how bad it makes me feel when I wear it.

Matt. Fine, just get the bathing suit. If you drown I’ll make sure nobody identifies the body.

Jake. That’s really sweet of you.

Lately ... I’ve started to have doubts. To be self-critical, I may be blindly following an absolute madman.
Oh, no, no, no—I’m much happier as a supplicant. My podiatrist and I came to that conclusion years ago.
Matt. It’s funny, the fact that our company is evil doesn’t bother me the way it used to. I’m powerless, and quite frankly, I find that to be empowering.

Jake. We’re honestly lucky to be where we’re at. Nobody can blame us for anything, plus we have free bagels.
Christian. Well, let me explain something to you. There is no Hampton DeVille without Christian DeVille. I put the roof over your heads. I put the clothes on your backs. And I feed you scraps of bread like ducks in a pond. Quack quack!

John. Quack quack, amen.
Kate. Does this mean you’re going to help me?

John. Yes, but we’re going to do it my way. Which is whatever way you think is best. I make the rules. And the first rule is, whatever you say, goes.
Jake. Actually, we decided we like where we’re at.

Matt. You guys just seem really stressed out all the time.

Jake. With very little power comes very little responsibility.

Matt. We’re Buddhists now.
Kate. You’re all here because we trust you.

John. Or because you were standing nearby when we were trying to recruit someone else and it would have been awkward not to invite you. Kevin.
Save your crying for bath time like the rest of us.
Doctor. Don’t worry, you won’t be bothered. When we learned you were coming, we moved all the other patients on your floor to the wet basement. If you’d like the whole building to yourself, we can have them thrown out into the streets.
Listing of Christian’s wrongdoings:
- ... slept with Karen James
- ... shitty music festival
- ... copyright infringement
- Labor racketeering
- Complicit in religious tyranny
- Made us get waterboarded
- ... Society Tomorrow
- ... Nation’s tragedies
- ... Barn (?)
- ... Shelton & Gwen Stefani
- Wears sunglasses inside
- Hums
- Clicks his pen
- Lobster breath
- Responsible for dinosaur extinction
- Started Bolivian war
- Hobnobs with dictators
- Cybercrime
- Pretty sure I saw him reading Mein Kampf (could have been Little Women)?
- Bankrolls Paltrow
- Pours plastic water bottles into reusable water bottles so he looks eco-friendly when he isn’t
- Lied about stealing from vendors
- Drives extra emissions vehicles
- Weekend air travel to Asia just for fun
- Hurricane machine
- Fisherman
- Chinese election fraud
- Wage theft
- Does not honor thy mother and father
- Larceny
- Whistles constantly
- Adultery
- Doesn’t wash hands in the bathroom
- Asbestos gun
- Popularized low-rise jeans
- Nicotine mouthwash
- Clips nails in public
- Bribery
- Made us hold our pee
Christian’s responsible for turning 9/11 into a commercial holiday.
Kevin. I hit a fisherman with my truck a few nights back. We could pin that on Christian if you want.
Matt. What I’m remembering now, is that being powerless sucks.

Jake. Yeah, I definitely want money. And power. I don’t know what Buddhists are talking about.

Matt. Maybe you can only be a Buddhist if you already have money and power?

Jake. Yeah. Like how celebrities only care about the environment when they’re bored of having sex with each other.
John. And then I wrote: “Sell consumer data to the Chinese government to disrupt the next presidential election? I’m down to clown.” To which Kevin replied:

Kevin. “lol.”
Kate. So it’s decided we’re all going to quit and stop working for a corporation.

John. And just pray that god forgives us.

Grace. I guess we have to move to the woods and live off the land.

Baron. We could gather lumber and sell it for money.

Kevin. We should incorporate. Avoid taxes.

John. Wait ... no.
Christian. I wouldn’t be here without two very courageous people, uh ...

Kate. (Jake and Matt)

Christian. Jake and of course Radley. And I think it’s time for a long overdue promotion. From this moment on, you are no longer unpaid interns. You are now junior executives in training.

Sometimes, life can be so painful you just have to laugh.

S1E1	The Voice
S1E2	The PowerPoint of Death
S1E3	The Pain of Being Alive
S1E4	Trademarq
S1E5	Corporate Retreat
S1E6	Casual Friday
S1E7	The Long Meeting
S1E8	Society Tomorrow
S1E9	Weekend
S1E10	Remember Day


S2E1	The One Who’s There
S2E2	The Concert
S2E3	The One With Nicotine Everything & Acceptable Female Workplace Tones
S2E4	The One About Exclamation Points
S2E5	The Expense Report
S2E6	Mattchiavelli and the Piss Detective
S2E7	Labor Day
S2E8	The Tragedy
S2E9	The Vacation
S2E10	The Fall


S3E1	Pickles for Breakfast
S3E2	Black Dog
S3E3	The Importance of Talking Shit
S3E4	Good Job
S3E5	Fuck You Money
S3E6	Wind of God

Top quotes from each episode of Corporate

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S1E1: The Voice

S1E2: The PowerPoint of Death

S1E3: The Pain of Being Alive

S1E4: Trademarq

S1E5: Corporate Retreat

S1E6: Casual Friday

S1E7: The Long Meeting

S1E8: Society Tomorrow

S1E9: Weekend

S1E10: Remember Day

S2E1 The One Who’s There

S2E2: The Concert

S2E3: The One With Nicotine Everything & Acceptable Female Workplace Tones

S2E4: The One About Exclamation Points

S2E5: The Expense Report

S2E6: Mattchiavelli and the Piss Detective

S2E7: Labor Day

S2E8: The Tragedy

S2E9: The Vacation

S2E10: The Fall

S3E1: Pickles for Breakfast

S3E2: Black Dog

S3E3: The Importance of Talking Shit

S3E4: Good Job

S3E5: Fuck You Money

S3E6: Wind of God